i can feel the ache... somewhere.
but i dont know where it is and how to speak of it.
and for reasons that i cant seem to understand, i dont dare to find out exactly which part that is.
ive never had to deal with goodbyes that are of this nature.
and actually i mostly feel numbness, apart from the ache that seems to be hiding itself very well.
i remember watching her - and realising, with sadness, how much smaller she has become - as she laid on the hospital bed.
i remember helping her draw the curtains when she complained about the sunlight.
i remember her complaining about the pillows - she was very particular about the positioning -and i helped her adjust them until she was comfortable.
but most importantly i also remember that she was proud of me... and she believed in me.

i spent my last 6 or 7 sundays (and more weekdays) going to the hospital to keep her company, but never once did i hold her hand and offer her any form of comfort.. even though everytime i saw her i badly wanted to.. either im just not used to showing how i really feel, or i just thought that, with all the other adults there, i wouldnt be significant at all..
but she knows... i know she would.

i will miss my grandmother but i hope she's happy at her new place.